My Dearest Sara,

After you leave I have taken to talking to Phantom Sara, because by pretending to talk to you I sort all my thoughts out. Today I had a rather long and soliloquy with her, it’s attached to the end of this letter. You feel strangled by my affections. I myself am exhausted from doing it, and I don’t want to have to live like this either. In my mind and in my dreams I am your knight and you are my princess, but you don’t tell me how I may serve you. I have all the good intentions in the world, but I have no training. How am I supposed to serve you, My Lady? They say do unto others as you would have done to yourself, and I who typically feels so unloved, throw myself into loving you with abandon, for I feel so lonely that I wish I could have someone to love me in this fashion, if only in the way a starving man wants to eat more than he can. But how can I earn that love? I obviously cannot do it in this fashion. Either the girl must tell me her dreams or I must just stop loving her, but I cannot simply let you love me without loving you back. We started this relationship on that premise and the shame and pain of it was too much for me to bare. So where am I left? Well, I love you an extreme amount, that is for sure. I’ve never had someone treat me as well as you do, and I feel so overwhelmingly lucky to have it. But unless you share your wants and dreams with me I am as lost as a puppy, and I will never be able to treat you as I should. On the other hand, you love me dearly, and I know also that if I don’t love you, you throw yourself at me. While this is all fine and good, it leaves a gaping hole in my heart where I should be loving you. As for myself, what do I want? I want to marry you so I can get on with my life. I have so much that I plan to do with myself but I need the security of a spouse to come home to so that I will never have anything to trouble me. I don’t want anything else, really. If we were married I wouldn’t be so worried about making you happy, because I would know you loved me enough to never abandon me no matter what I did. I already trust you to tell me when something is wrong, but I believe that there is never any reason a relationship can’t work out. I think you believe that there are better ways to go about things. I cannot. I’ve never started a relationship I didn’t want forever and I never will. Still, I realize that my pattern of thought seems deluded to most everyone else on Earth, so I compromise. Please, just tell me how to please you, because I am lost. All I want is your love and companionship forever, I don’t care where, or what we’re doing, because with you I know that everything will be wonderful. The Sunlit Garden is playing again. I think this may be my song from now on. It certainly fits me. Why does everyone want me to bring revolution to the world? All I want is to be a Prince. Can I be yours?

Lost in his soul, lost in his mind,

William Gauthier

Why do I cry when I am not sad?

I think it’s because I trust in you now, and I don’t even know why.

I never even trusted in Erica, but I trust in you.

Here is the conversation I had with Phantom Sara

VORTIA: I'm going to talk to phantom Sara again, because I feel like talking again, and I'm not going to talk to myself

VORTIA: What makes you not want to tell me what you want? I am your Knight and you are my Princess! Tell me what it is I am to do for you!

VORTIA: I have no idea of how to bring you happiness! Only your heart knows.....

VORTIA: Do you fear forcing me to do something against my will? Do you not trust me to tell you what I can or cannot do?

VORTIA: Truly I live for no other reason but to bring happiness to the women of the world, and especially to you, what brings you into a loving and happy relationship with me is what makes me happy, and everything else is irrelivant save the wishes of God and my own personal pride

VORTIA: Am I too perfect? It's inconceivable! I am no such man!

VORTIA: Find me a place and I will find no sorrow in it!

VORTIA: Better to live as you would like with my love than as I would come up with on a whim by myself!

VORTIA: I don't have time for all of this! There is too much I must do in my life for me to be stalled on the first step!

VORTIA: And truthfully without you I am nothing of what I want to be, my dream is nothing but a whisper of the past

VORTIA: Why do I want to cry now?

VORTIA: It's as if I can't seek what I want, it just has to fall on me.....

VORTIA: Must I not love the one who loves me?

VORTIA: That is so horribly unfair!

VORTIA: How am I to find happiness!

VORTIA: Am I to be a tool to achieve what others want?

VORTIA: To make Sara happy and love me, it seems as though I must not love her........

VORTIA: But that leaves me empty inside..........

VORTIA: I'm more horribly scarred then I thought..........

VORTIA: It's not just my fear that I must defeat, but the desire to drowned my lover..........

VORTIA: I act this way because I am feel so UNloved, that it is what I would want.............

VORTIA: I do unto others as I would have done unto myself..........

VORTIA: Where does it all end?

VORTIA: But most of all, why do I not feel sad now?

VORTIA: it's because I trust Sara.........

VORTIA: Even through everything, I trust her................

VORTIA: So now where too?

VORTIA: I know where..............